What you need to underSTAND about stadium concerts
Thursday June 16th, 2016, marked my first ever appearance at an arena concert tour, given by none other than Coldplay. Don't throw rocks at this sad excuse of a 22-year-old for never having been to one before - truth is that, til now, I've simply been too busy (and too broke) to attend what is considered a staple experience of adolescent-and-young-adult life: the concert. The day tickets went on sale, many months ago, I immediately opted for one in the pitch; the closer I was to Chris Martin's soulful singing, the better (and the cheaper). However, being positioned in the standing area of a concert tour as big as Coldplay's was to prove itself a learning curve ("isn't every experience ultimately a learning curve??" crows the good-willed teacher within me). Being pressed against a mass of other excited and jolting bodies for an extended period of time tends to impart upon one a wealth of lessons. What follows is a list of some of my take-home observations from what was, overall, an outSTANDING evening.
So firstly, I had the misfortune to be stuck standing behind quite literally the tallest people attending the concert that evening. My calf muscles were fiercely put to the test as I craned up on tiptoe just to catch a fleeting glimpse of specks I guessed to be Chris, Jonny, Guy and Will, or to admire whatever pretty colourful paper confetti had just been fired into the air moments previously. Neck cramps also ensue as a result of such frustrating behaviour. I might suggest hitting the gym prior to future standing events if one is to ensure that their gastrocnemius and trapezius muscles are up to the challenge. Interestingly, if this was the bother I was having to go to, as a 5'10" individual, then God only knows how anyone else any shorter than me was managing to see the action. About 15 minutes after the first set, I managed to sneakily elbow my way in front of these two columns of humans, much to their disgruntlement. But I didn't care once I got to be that extra 3 feet closer to my all-time favourite band, my view a little bit less obstructed than before.
Secondly, prepare for drink to be spilled on you when you're in as compressed an area as the standing space. Don't wear your good shoes or socks unless you're sure you can pull off that mass-produced beer smell. Anyone attending a Taylor Swift concert may well receive appropriate advice from the country-turned-pop singer herself for such a problem and simply be told to "shake it off."
The phone-out-at-concerts thing will also continue to faze me. While I was there belting out every lyric to every song and jumping wildly around my confined space of 8 square inches like a person in a cartoon after catching their toe on a mousetrap, SO MANY HUMANS were catching a continuous video stream of the show. Put your phone down m8 and stop blocking my already massively restricted view, yeah? What ever happened to experiencing the performance with the sense organs?? At one stage in the middle of one of the more upbeat songs, a couple in front of me were, I kid you not, going through the camera roll on their phone looking at all the pictures and videos they had taken thus far. Is it really the time or place? Yeah don't mind that COLDPLAY are singing and playing literally 20 feet from where you are standing. Such ridiculous carry-on I mean I can't even.
And then of course you have the girlfriends who are hoisted onto their other halves' shoulders for a better view of the stage. Maybe this embitters the lonely singleton in me, but quite frankly this kind of craic is a piss-take. YOU ARE NOW TALLER THAN THE TWO PILLARS BEHIND WHOM I HAD ORIGINALLY BEEN ISOLATED!! Get down and stop being cute and break up and leave and get out of my way. As well as the annoyance of not being able to see, there's the added danger that the teetering girlfriend may career backwards or forwards or sideways and crush me to death. Have some consideration for me plz since this is only my first concert and I'd like to live to see a few more, thanks.
So, pretty much, there's a lot to be gleaned from my time spent in the standing area.
So firstly, I had the misfortune to be stuck standing behind quite literally the tallest people attending the concert that evening. My calf muscles were fiercely put to the test as I craned up on tiptoe just to catch a fleeting glimpse of specks I guessed to be Chris, Jonny, Guy and Will, or to admire whatever pretty colourful paper confetti had just been fired into the air moments previously. Neck cramps also ensue as a result of such frustrating behaviour. I might suggest hitting the gym prior to future standing events if one is to ensure that their gastrocnemius and trapezius muscles are up to the challenge. Interestingly, if this was the bother I was having to go to, as a 5'10" individual, then God only knows how anyone else any shorter than me was managing to see the action. About 15 minutes after the first set, I managed to sneakily elbow my way in front of these two columns of humans, much to their disgruntlement. But I didn't care once I got to be that extra 3 feet closer to my all-time favourite band, my view a little bit less obstructed than before.
Secondly, prepare for drink to be spilled on you when you're in as compressed an area as the standing space. Don't wear your good shoes or socks unless you're sure you can pull off that mass-produced beer smell. Anyone attending a Taylor Swift concert may well receive appropriate advice from the country-turned-pop singer herself for such a problem and simply be told to "shake it off."
The phone-out-at-concerts thing will also continue to faze me. While I was there belting out every lyric to every song and jumping wildly around my confined space of 8 square inches like a person in a cartoon after catching their toe on a mousetrap, SO MANY HUMANS were catching a continuous video stream of the show. Put your phone down m8 and stop blocking my already massively restricted view, yeah? What ever happened to experiencing the performance with the sense organs?? At one stage in the middle of one of the more upbeat songs, a couple in front of me were, I kid you not, going through the camera roll on their phone looking at all the pictures and videos they had taken thus far. Is it really the time or place? Yeah don't mind that COLDPLAY are singing and playing literally 20 feet from where you are standing. Such ridiculous carry-on I mean I can't even.
And then of course you have the girlfriends who are hoisted onto their other halves' shoulders for a better view of the stage. Maybe this embitters the lonely singleton in me, but quite frankly this kind of craic is a piss-take. YOU ARE NOW TALLER THAN THE TWO PILLARS BEHIND WHOM I HAD ORIGINALLY BEEN ISOLATED!! Get down and stop being cute and break up and leave and get out of my way. As well as the annoyance of not being able to see, there's the added danger that the teetering girlfriend may career backwards or forwards or sideways and crush me to death. Have some consideration for me plz since this is only my first concert and I'd like to live to see a few more, thanks.
So, pretty much, there's a lot to be gleaned from my time spent in the standing area.
- Choose your parents wisely and make sure that, by the time you're attending the concert, you're around 6 foot tall and able to see in front of you. The only thing you have to worry about then is the mass of ticked-off individuals behind you probably too scared to do anything except fume silently. Unless there are pushy bitches like me there with their elbows out ready to strike. Then you'll be brought down a notch.
- Put in some serious gym sessions to hone those calf, neck and shoulder muscles to perfection. Cramps ain't cool.
- Beer-proof clothing is a must.
- Bring your boyfriend upon whose shoulders you can sit and lord it over the surrounding single peasants. Additionally, core work would improve balance and help ensure that you do not fall off and cause damage to other patrons.
- Soak up the experience regardless of anyone being in your way. You're lucky to be there and it'll be a long time before you're at another concert.
Well, maybe only if you're me.
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